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It’s time we talk about something that seems to still be taboo in our culture, and I just can not stay silent about it anymore. It’s time to take this idea that women have to stand idly by, waiting for men to ask them out, and make it a thing of the past.
I have had too many friends anxiously hoping, fretting and downright stressing about whether or not a guy they like is going to ask them out.
They feel limited, like they have no control of the situation, and that something they so badly desire is out of reach because of someone else’s actions, or rather, inactions. And I’m tired of watching them (and me) feel this way.
One of these friends, who happens to be one of the bravest, most ambitious women that I know, recently told me she’s so frustrated with a guy for not asking her out that it’s made her feel helpless about her situation. He just won’t make a move. So I suggested, “Well, why don’t you just ask him out?” She responded, “Can I?”
I was stunned. This fearless, spirited and all-around badass of a woman didn’t know she could, or even think she should, ask a guy out.
So ladies. Please hear me. I’m jumping up and down, clapping my hands and yelling it with the burning passion of a thousand suns:
IT IS OK FOR YOU TO ASK A MAN OUT.
It may not be easy (that’s a blog for another day), but it IS ok. I swear.
And here’s why:
It would be a disservice to ourselves and the other person to miss out on an opportunity just because we aren’t willing to give a man some grace:
If you’ve never tried asking someone out, I’m sure you can at least imagine the nauseating fear of rejection that could come with it. Throw on top of that the fact that maybe you’ve been rejected several times already, and you have the perfect cocktail of fear, hesitation and self-doubt.
We put all the pressure on men to make things happen. THEY are the ones who should have to face the rejection. And THEY are the ones who should be able to “man up” and deal.
But at the end of the day, men are just human, and they’ve been told their whole lives that when it comes to dating, they’re responsible for their feelings, our feelings, making something happen, and dealing with the rejection if it doesn’t happen. And whew, that’s a lot.
So maybe you think you’ve made it abundantly obvious that you’re into him (but maybe while we’re here, consider that you haven’t), and that he should have no reason to fear asking you out, but think for a moment about where he could be coming from.
You have the chance to give this guy some grace, and at least this once, take on the pressure, and possibly open the door to something wonderful for you both.
If we want to be partners once we’re in a relationship, we should be open to being partners in starting it.
All women have different views of how they want their relationships to look, and I would never say that any one way is right or wrong. But for me, I want an equal partnership. One where we both use our strengths to help our relationship, and we both take responsibility for it. And I know a lot of women who feel the same way.
So if that’s the relationship we’re hoping for, shouldn’t we at least consider taking part in starting it? If we ultimately want a partner, and someone who sees us as an equal contributor to the relationship, shouldn’t we feel that we can take some responsibility from the jump?
Making the first move shows the type of relationship we are looking for, and on top of it? Shows what brave, unique women we are!
(Quick caveat here: Remember that “partner” means both. So if you do kick things off by asking him on the first date, make sure he makes a move for the second)
Knowing is always better than not knowing. Period. And you deserve to know.
We convince ourselves it isn’t true, and yet, it always is: The agony we put ourselves through wondering if someone likes us, is always worse than actually knowing. Until we know, we’ll never be free of our unanswered questions, and we’ll never move on.
It’s easy for other people to say “He’s not into you if he’s not asking you out, so just let it go,” but to actually let it go, you need to know. I’ve been there. I get that. Because until there is confirmation, you’ll always wonder. And that’s a type of emotional torture I don’t wish on anyone.
So the best way to find out? Ask. You may hear something you wish you hadn’t, but you may also get the surprise of a lifetime. If it’s the former, let yourself be free of the wondering. And if it’s the latter, you just made everything you wanted happen.
So if you’re tapping your foot expectantly, or if your expectant tapping has turned to impatient, frustrated stomping, waiting for a man to ask you out, consider that you have it in your power to end the uncertainty.
It is ok for you to relieve him of the pressure, for you to be a fierce and brave part of your own love life, and for you to find out the answer to the question you’ve been agonizing over:
Does he want to go out with me?
Girl, it’s time to ask. And You. Can. Do It!
(cue more jumping up and down, clapping, and yelling)